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Apr. 5th, 2015

You know what, I'm done. If the only reason your character is commenting on my post is to passive-aggressively point out something I'm doing wrong, then I really don't want to play anymore.

Mar. 31st, 2015

I was just suddenly hit with the feeling that--after my year and a half with the real N--everything I've been doing so far with cried_babel has been (and will be) manufactured crap. He himself is happy and alive, sure that's great, but everything else feels fake. I know this is where people are going to tell me this is my opportunity to really develop their relationship, but I have never been able to write genuine chemistry between character that both shared my headspace. It's all artificial. My sister was the one who could entertain herself with her toys, not me.

I guess really what my problem is, is that now I have no foundation.


I think we have reached the bargaining stage.

What if I just backed it up a bit and stuck him in a coma this last week instead of in a pot on Christina's bookcase?

And then I wonder "why bother?"


I'm just going to keep shouting at the sky about how much I miss you and I hate you for doing this and I wish you'd come home and fill those spaces in my life
Overheard at the office just now: "she loved a bird with a broken wing"

Mar. 8th, 2015

I think it was a mistake to kill off my favorite character. I'm having a hard time with it and the better decision would have been to have just left entirely. I can't bring him back because that would be a dick move to the other writers who are directly and indirectly impacted.


He would tell me I can do this. He would say I'm stronger than I think. He would tell me it'll end and I'll have made it through before I know it. But he's not here to say any of that. He has no idea what kind of hell this is.

Nov. 1st, 2014

Jay wanted to know how Elliot wordsandshadows is doing and I didn't have an answer.
I want to be happy. I want to be excited about becoming a father. We talked about this for a long time and now that we're finally having a baby together, I can't get engaged. I've seen my daugter's heart beat and it's a struggle to be interesetd. All I'm doing is bringing Chris down with me. She should be happy but she can't when she's stuck with me. I'm sick of worrying about my court date next week and how I'm probably going back to jail. I don't want to drag Christina through that anymore. I feel like I've been walking through wet cement all week. Walking through wet cement towards the edge of a cliff. I want my old life back where I could tie my own shoes and drive a vehicle with a clutch and keep a hundres addresses in my head at once. I don't deserve what I have now.