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Nov. 1st, 2014

railing
Jay wanted to know how Elliot wordsandshadows is doing and I didn't have an answer.

Oct. 17th, 2014

n
I want to be happy. I want to be excited about becoming a father. We talked about this for a long time and now that we're finally having a baby together, I can't get engaged. I've seen my daugter's heart beat and it's a struggle to be interesetd. All I'm doing is bringing Chris down with me. She should be happy but she can't when she's stuck with me. I'm sick of worrying about my court date next week and how I'm probably going back to jail. I don't want to drag Christina through that anymore. I feel like I've been walking through wet cement all week. Walking through wet cement towards the edge of a cliff. I want my old life back where I could tie my own shoes and drive a vehicle with a clutch and keep a hundres addresses in my head at once. I don't deserve what I have now.

Oct. 12th, 2014


"I'm sorry."

"For?" I ask, scowling.

"Ruining your life," he says, staring at the floor.

I've never seen him like this and that by itself is scary. "How? How have you ruined my life? How am I worse off than I was before?"

He looks up, "I don't know."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

"No," he shakes his head, "You wouldn't have to worry about babysitting my stupid ass because I can't even tie my own fucking shoes." He angrily brings a hand up and points at the side of his head. In the darkness, it looks like he's about to pull the trigger. "You wouldn't have to worry about my broken brain. You wouldn't always have to keep bailing my ass out of jail. You wouldn't be stuck with a retarded ex-con."

"Okay. First of all, I'm not stuck with you; I can kick you out any time I damn well please. And second of all, you still haven't proven to me that you've ruined my life. You're not broken. You're still you and you are still my best friend. So maybe you've made my life difficult, but not any more so than it was before you moved in with me."

I put my palms on his face and look him in the eyes. His cheeks are like sandpaper. "I want things to get better. I miss laughing with you. I miss seeing your beautiful, amazing smile and the way your eyes light up when I say something funny. And you know what? I don't want to go back to the way things were because you weren't with me. Maybe we laughed more then, but I had to give you up every night and neither one of us was happy."

"You're not happy now, either."

I don't want to tell him he's right so I drop my hands to my lap and think for a moment. But in his mind, that's probably the same as telling him he's right. "Alright, no. I'm not," I spit out, but continue before he can get in a word, "I'm not happy because I'm sitting here talking my soulmate off a ledge. This is not a conversation I ever imagined myself having."

He doesn't say anything. He looks like he's just shut down on me. "I don't let people close to me, but I knew from that very first time we went out after work, remember?--how we just clicked? And the air was electric because there was just that much chemistry? I knew I needed you in my life and that something had been missing before then. You have enriched my life, Jay. We'll get through this together."

He digs in his pocket and pulls out the keys to the truck. "Take these and don't tell me where you put them" I stare as he hands them to me, confused.

"What...why do you have these?" I ask, taking them.

"I was gonna wait until you were asleep and then I was gonna leave. I know some places in the Bronx...I was gonna go looking for trouble. I wanted them to shoot me."

I bite my lip, trying to stop the quivering, and I turn the keys over and over in my hands. I look up at him and I can't stop the tears. "I don't want to lose you."

Oct. 7th, 2014


I have a migraine and I kinda want to kill something.

Oct. 2nd, 2014

not amused
I'm so tired, I don't even care. N and JM aren't home yet and the guys downstairs... First of all, a police officer was here looking for N. He told me the guys downstairs are claiming N tried to "rough them up", so he's being charged with assault. ASSAULT. And second, as if there needs to be more, they're being loud again so I can't sleep. I just want him here so I don't lose my shit.

Jun. 24th, 2014

n
She's still leaning towards no.

and I think I may have screwed up the track pad because i can't remember which way the page is supposed to scroll

Jun. 23rd, 2014

n
1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
2. Go to http://images.google.com and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results -- don't tell me the word.
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.